Self-Love is More than a Weekly Face Mask

Come Sunday evening, we see our social media feed filled with ‘self-care’ posts: rose petal baths, candles and foot massages. Or your friend has just gotten a new designer dress and claims it is ‘self-love.’ But it seems we’ve lost sight of what loving yourself actually means.

Self-love doesn’t have to be materialistic or even glamorous. A self-care routine isn’t necessarily looking after our physical appearance or spoiling ourselves with a purchase. This understanding has alienated many people who don’t actually enjoy spa days or shopping, and are left thinking, “self-care isn’t for me” – my male friends, I’m mostly talking to you.

This understanding of self-love may also mean that we only prioritise ourselves on a Sunday evening in our bathtubs, but not on a Monday morning when our boss is asking us to take on extra work. We save it for those rare, blissful splurges. We don't make it a part of our everyday lives.

Self-love is so much more than these ideas – it’s about nurturing and accepting ourselves always. We’ve been taught to believe that prioritising ourselves and our wellbeing is selfish. We downplay our greatness, apologise for feeling a certain way, and hide our preferences.

So those occasional purchases and spa retreats are superficial ways to compensate for the hard work and sacrifices we put ourselves through regularly. Don’t get me wrong, I love a face mask. But we need to remove this materialistic aspect of self-love and come back to what it really means.

I’m going to show you what self-love looks like for everyone, and how you can do it every day.

First of all, why is self-love important?

The relationship you have with yourself is the starting point – it dictates everything else in your life. Having a strong and unconditional sense of love for yourself means you learn how to feel feelings, communicate, set boundaries, express yourself, move through conflict, and have healthy relationships.

It means we can live as the best versions of ourselves. Believe it or not, the most loving people are the people who are the most self-centred. By filling yourself up first, you can bring joy and love to the world around you. By making sure your needs are taken care of, you can give support to your children, partner and best friends. If we pour from a half-filled cup, that cup will soon become very empty. Instead, overflow your own cup so that you have plenty to share with others. See, self-love isn't selfish at all. It benefits everyone around you.

Self-love also redefines our relationships. We teach other people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. Read that sentence again. By loving and respecting yourself, you are providing an example to other people of how they should love you.

And of course, love invites more love into your life. If you are vibrating at this high frequency of love, you’ll get the same in return – that frequency is what the world will project back to you. Imagine if everyone were to do this. The world would be absolute paradise.

Now let’s dive into what self-love means.

1. Allowing yourself to be more you

The first step is an easy one – you don’t have to do anything to cultivate more love for yourself, you simply have to allow. This means accepting your hobbies and dislikes, your opinions, and allowing yourself to feel how you feel. This means not apologising for anything that makes you who you are, and not seeking to be like anyone else. You are completely whole and lovable as you are, and nothing needs to change.

2. Taking up space

So you’ve accepted yourself, now you need to own it. Do you find yourself wavering in your opinions based on the people around you? Do you hide your feelings so as to not upset others? Be devoted to yourself and honour your thoughts and emotions. Don’t be a chameleon, and don’t act the way others expect you to act, because you'll be doing yourself a disservice. If I find myself wanting to hide or shrink for the benefit of others, I remind myself, "take up space." By expressing your feelings and owning your opinions, you are showing yourself unconditional love. It’ll make you magnetic and powerful – people can sense your self-love and will be drawn to you.

3. Forgiveness

Forgiving yourself for something you’ve done in the past, or something you continue to do, is a crucial part of self-love. Holding on to guilt, regret, shame and anger does not serve us. Be kind with yourself – by saying “I forgive you,” you are demonstrating unconditional love for yourself and allowing yourself to be just as you are. Also, forgiving others is an important way to move these dark emotions out of the way. It’s a form of self-love because you are choosing to bring in something more positive.

4. Boundaries

Sometimes, it can feel so good to say no to something that doesn’t serve you. That is self-care. If you have a hard time with this, tell yourself when making a decision: “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no thank you.” Respecting our likes and dislikes, and our need for rest and alone time, is a way of treating ourselves with love.

Also, tell others what you need from them. We certainly have a hard time doing this one, because heaven forbid we appear too direct or forceful. But in fact, people really appreciate it. Life is so much easier when we let others know our specific needs and preferences in a gentle way. You’ll find that most of the time, people will jump to the chance to make you happy. That’s the power of loving yourself.

5. Positive self-talk

Talking to yourself with love is the final piece in the puzzle. Negative self-talk is so damaging – the things you say in your head when you look in the mirror, the lack of faith you have in yourself going into an interview, and the self-degrading comments you make amongst others. Why is it so common for us to say “I’m so dumb” or “I’m so bad at this,” just to make others feel better? Your body is listening – it’ll hear that you lack love for yourself. And other people will hear it too! Remember: treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others.

Being kind to yourself and speaking with love will truly transform your life. If you find yourself hung up on a particular bit of negative talk, turn it around and tell yourself something else. So, if you criticise yourself in the mirror, instead say: “I am beautiful. I love and accept every part of me.” If you beat yourself up for getting nervous in staff meetings, repeat beforehand: “I am confident. I am assertive.” And if you tend to put yourself down in front of friends, try something like, “that’s just how I am, and I’m proud of it.” Trust me, you’ll notice a difference. Words are powerful things.

Now, how about some concrete examples of self-care?

These deeper concepts of self-love are going to improve the relationship you have with yourself and all aspects of your life. So are self-care routines, rituals, practices, and habits. Yes, we need to remove that materialist aspect from stereotypical 'self-care' practices like shopping and pampering, because it robs the practice of meaning. That doesn’t mean you can’t do those things, but consider the intention behind it – the intention gives it power.

Going to get a new outfit because you think that will make you love yourself more? Not powerful. You’re basically telling yourself that you’re not good enough and you need something external to improve. But that practice could become powerful if your intention is to celebrate yourself and show yourself more love.

Here are some other rituals that you can infuse with self-love and practice regularly:

• Go completely offline for a few hours or a day

• Take deep, long breaths

• Be in nature (the Japanese call it 'forest bathing')

• Yoga (this isn’t just a cult of yummy mummies – yoga really strengthens that mind-body-soul connection)

• Journalling (a great way to hear and change the way you talk to yourself)

• Meditation (you’re reprogramming your mind, it’s literally the number one biohack)

• Cooking mindfully and feeding yourself clean, whole food (read: plants!)

• Getting deep rest

• Reading a good book

• Self-massage up and down your body with coconut oil

• And of course, taking a bath or doing a face mask

So self-love is for everyone – not just girls on Instagram. It is so much more than superficial self-care routines and a much deeper concept than people think. We need to incorporate love into every part of our human experience – the way we talk to ourselves, feel emotions, celebrate our individuality, forgive and accept. Self-love is unconditional, something we must be doing at every moment, and not just when we find time for a spa treatment. We need to nurture ourselves, talk ourselves up, show ourselves off! We all need to be a little bit more self-centred and egotistical.

So for those of you who aren’t into candles and rose petal baths, find a self-care practice that feels true to you. And for those who love pampering, remember to broaden your idea of self-love.

Love yourself in all ways, always. Deal? Good.

Let me know your thoughts below!